Friday, June 28, 2013

Funny Foto Friday: Blog post alliteration mashup

Since I missed a few days between blog posts AND there are more blog day alliteration things than types of condoms (ribbed? sperma-what? why do I care about HER plea.....nevermind...) I thought that I would just get all caught up and do a post for each day I missed.  The weekly blog round up....

Wordless Wednesday: Nothing more sums up my life.  Shit, that was using words.

I am buying this Tshirt

Three Things Thursday:

1. My lovely lady lump is GONE!  As you remember (who am I kidding, no one reads this) I had pain and a lump on my achilles after my 18 miler on Sunday.  So, I took a few days off....and then because of childcare issues and heat I took another day off... SOOOO, 4 days later, I'm back to running!  Tonight I"m going to head out for a quick 6 mile test run to see where I'm at.  If all goes well, I'll be back in business!

2. It's freaking hot in Phoenix.  So, while I would love to run outside tonight, looks like it is the treadmill.  Like I said on twitter: "On one hand, running in 118 degrees would be EPIC, on the other hand DEATH.  But, I mean, both epic and death make for good blog posts....."

3. I'm headed out of town for the next week or so.  I don't care if the internet knows, because I'm taking my son and the only thing I have in my place are dubbed episodes of Full House on VHS and like 40 bottles of wine. OH CRAP DON'T STEAL MY WINE!!!!

I'm headed to Okoboji, IA to stay at my dad's cabin to do more boating and beer drinking that humanly possible. It should be a fun break and a great chance to spend some quality time with the family.

Funny Foto Friday:

I wouldn't kill anyone, probably. Hmm, do we really want to risk it?

See, this is why I  need wine. It is for YOUR protection

And then we would break up, and approximately 27 minutes later we would reunite. Adorbs


Tuesday, June 25, 2013

My lovely lady lump

Sorry for the lack of updates on the blog in the past few days / weeks!!  Work has sort of grabbed hold of me and I have struggled to break free.  It is sort of like when you’re at the movies with your buddies and you see a relative you want to avoid.  You are doing your best to impress them with your AMAZING Vin Diesel impression (mostly just incomprehensible grunts and muscle flexes) and you see your grandma.  You know that you have to hug her and sit and chat for a few minutes..... it is the right thing to do. But, it takes time.... and Fast and Furious 12 is starting ANY MINUTE!  The same happened to me with work. It is certainly crunch time so I’m putting in some extra time to get things across the finish line.  It’s the right thing to do.

Fortunately, I have still been running. Essentially, I’ve been sacrificing sleep and any sort of personal time I have to run.  Since I get stabby if I don’t run, it’s a good trade off.

Last week I ran 61 miles.  There were a few bursts of speed in there, a few marathon paced miles and a few tempo/half marathon paced miles, but by in large it was base building for the NYC marathon. OH, and I chased down a bike because I’m a testosterone fueled man and had to prove a point to myself that I could.  **grunt grunt**

I’ve done everything you should, stepback weeks, good hydration, 10% build.... life is good!!  Until, it isn’t.

A few days ago I felt a small tweak in my Achilles.  Cut to after my 18 miler on Sunday and it was super sore and there was a bit of a lump where the pain radiated from.  Yes, there was a LUMP on my freaking Achilles.  I mean, I’m no doctor, but that can’t be good.  Rarely have I watched anything on TV where the doctor comes in and says “well, you have a lump where the pain is coming from, but no worries dude! Let’s go grab some beers to celebrate”.

So, I took yesterday off, and today I’m going to bike.  It feels nearly 90% better AND the lump is mostly gone, but I don’t want to risk it.  I have the Missoula marathon in 3 weeks and if I can’t run that I really would stab someone. I mean, not really, but without old men on beach cruiser bikes to chase down, my ego really takes a hit.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Mr. Mom Weekend

Gender roles are interesting. Americans seem to like to segment our lives into specific boxed categories.  I am woman, hear me roar.  We have mothers day filled with flowers and chocolates and fathers day filled with power drills and strippers neckties.

As the mom you're responsible for all of the hugs and kisses and band aid applications.  (See how I left out all of the hot button items like dishes and laundry?)  As a dad, I'm mostly responsible for fixing broken toys, farting, and wearing pants as little as possible.  I'm sad to report that I am failing in the farting category but killing it in the lack-of-pants one.

Weekend before last, my son and I found ourselves alone for a full 5 days. I lack any sort of support structure in Phoenix, so we were basically on our own to fend for ourselves.  No mom. No grandparents. No babysitters.  (Cue the mental image of me passed out on the couch clutching a bottle of wine and my son opening a can of frosting for breakfast with a butcher knife.)  So, I took a few days off of work, stocked the DVR on Mickey Mouse, and settled in for some quality arm pit fart noise training that would take him places I only wished I could go.  I was a stay at home dad.

First up? A sit down mid week breakfast.  I've always wondered as I ran on a Thursday who the people were eating breakfast at a sit down place on a work day.  Why are they not grabbing a pop tart while gulping 6 or 7 vitamins claiming to be "healthy" trying to rush off to work like the rest of us?? I know this isn't a "normal" stay at home activity, but I figured I'd start everything off right.

Coloring and pancakes? Check.  Dad of the year? Check.

I hate you facebook and your delicious advertisments. Worked like a champ

One thing I learned very quickly is that activities = tired son = long nap time = happy dad.  I'd like to say that I pretty much nailed this part of being a stay at home dad. Favorites were swimming, playing at the park, generalized rough housing, and coloring.  I suppose if wearing him out with activities didn't work, the backup plan was to "wear me out" with wine.

Cranky..... Sleepy... Possibly drunk? Mission Accomplished
(Falling asleep at the table at 11am!)

Post Chick-Fil-A play-place play date with Jeff snooze

Of course, not everything was playdates and nap time with Mr Mom.  This is when I realized that the things that stay at home parents do are really remarkable.  My son got into his fair share of trouble - including a particularly full tube of diaper rash cream. After a quick reference on the poison control website, I realized that he would PROBABLY be fine and that explosive diarrhea was as bad as it would get.  Awesome.

This is what naughty looks like

As the days went on, I started to find a pretty good groove.  Essentially, my days revolved around sneaking sips of brandy clothing, feeding, and entertaining my son while using nap time and bedtime as quick opportunities to regain my sanity and catch up on my normal day-job so I could afford to buy more diaper rash cream.

You'll note that I am settling into my stay at home dad hair quite nicely

Around day 4, I found myself getting quite crafty.  Well, lets be honest, lazy is the mother of all invention.  My son is too short to climb up on the toliet.  Plus, with my luck he is almost certain to either fall in head first or somehow lick it. (HOW does he always manage to lick everything??) So, I decided to move his sink stairs to in front of the toliet!

Sadly, he wasn't good at turning around when at the top of the stairs with his pants around his ankles so my invention didn't work :(

Ultimately, we got through the weekend without killing each other (although, we both had our moments) so I decided to close off our time alone with a run to feed the duckies. As luck would have it, not only did we get to feed the duckies, but we also got to see construction equipment.  Believe me, if somehow we could combine ducks and construction equipment, I think my son's head might explode.  Although, now that I think about it.  I guess my head might explode too.....



Monday, June 10, 2013

Mothers Day Pinterest Fail

I hate pinterest.

Yes yes, I'm certainly not the first ax wielding all american hero... uhhhh, man... FINE person with male like genitalia to say that he doesn't like pinterest.  But, never the less, annoying.  The reason? Expectations.  

You see, pinterest sets horribly high expectations. No longer can I have my son play with macaroni, glue and glitter and have it be considered "art".  Oh no, I need to have all the best free range no hormones organic glitter. I need to have Martha Stewart herself swing by my place, whip up the exact replica of Michelangelo's David (with or without penis) and exclaim "it's a good thing". 

A few weeks back, I took to twitter to ask what my son should get his mom for mothers day. Lots of people gave lots of good ideas, but the one that sounded the best was a flower pot with the little guy's hand prints on it.  The hand prints would look like flowers and his mom would be forever grateful.  It seemed easy enough, slap some paint on my kid's hand, slap the hand on the pot, DONE!  Something like this:

Oh cute, the fingers are grass.  Suck it pinterest

I mean, I realize that not EVERYTHING can be as perfect as I would like, but I assumed that at the very least, even a drunk monkey could get it to look like this one:

It is certainly no macaroni glitter on paper, but I'm sure they tried really really hard

So, off I went to go get hopefully lead free paint to dip my son's hands in - all the while patting myself on the back at how crafty I'd become. I even had thoughts of "well, maybe I could make these for the grandparents for Christmas or something! Afterall, I DO have all of the supplies!"  $10 of supplies later, I was a walking talking hand painted, flower pot factory.  I was puffing my chest in the Hope Depot parking lot. "I am a man!!  I have PROJECT SUPPLIES!"

Step 1: Spray paint a normal orange terracotta pot a fun color. I had found the second BORING picture above before I started and I had decided that I could not only do this, I could IMPROVE upon the idea!  "Maybe in addition to making these for the grandparents, I could sell them on Etsy or something!"  

The spray painting went somewhat okay.  It took many more layers of paint than I thought it would and I got a bit lazy and started to put it on thicker and thicker.  Unfortunately, the paint ran in a few spots.  Fortunately, most of the runs in the pain were on the inside.  I would NOT be deterred!  "Wow, thank goodness those paint runs are on the inside, I wouldn't want anything to ruin this perfect gift.  I'll have to make sure to put a warning in the 'create your own' kits that I'm going to sell in high end crafting boutiques

Alright kiddo, time to make some memories

Step 2: Put some red paint in the conveniently cute bright yellow paper plate, also making a mental note to put the disposable paint plate in the kit to be sold on the home shopping channel.

Step 3: Dip rather rambunctious 2 year old's hand in paint and OH MY GOD WHY WON'T YOU HOLD STILL!?!?!?

Like a murder scene on CSI

So, yeah. He would NOT hold still for anything. Putting his hand in the paint and then on the pot was like trying to get a cat into a bathtub.  When it was on his hands, he wanted to smell the paint, he wanted to look at it, and then he wanted to paint on his belly with it.

I assume that at day care they let them go crazy with paint without any mass market goals in mind.  So, I pushed his hand in the paint and on the pot as best I could, but for the most part all it did was use his fingers like 5 small paint brushes, smearing paint around like one of those painting elephants you see on the Discovery Channel

If you squint, you can see a handprint

Of course, it should be said that I never actually got frustrated with him. We were having a blast and he LOVED being able to paint on the pot.  Maybe a little too much now that I think about it.  But, the more he giggled the more I saw my millions of home shopping network profits go down the drain.  I did finish the project out.  I painted on the stems as best I could:  "uhhh, this looks like a flower could go here.... Maybe?" Either way, what I ended up with was a pretty fun story and a great present.  After all, it is certainly better than the pinch pot ash trays that I made for my parents when I was 5!

Pot with flower on it... NAILED IT. Suck it pinterest!

Friday, June 7, 2013

Adventures in Culinary Confusion: Kumquats

Running has been going pretty well over the last few days with the highlight being a mid week easy half marathon on Thursday in 1:37. (Speed is relative...) Unfortunately, I didn't get any fake holiday "runner day" runs in because of an evening meeting for work that lasted 4 hours.  Also unfortunately, Phoenix is getting a bit of a heat wave with yesterday's temp hitting 110 and today scheduled to hit 112.  But, it is a stepback week, so I'll fight my way through 40ish miles and will be back in fighting form next week.


Like I've said before, a month or so back I found myself in a culinary rut.  It was grilled chicken, mac and cheese, and spaghetti as far as the eye could see.  Now, don't get me wrong, I wasn't complaining.  I'm pretty sure I could eat grilled chicken 7 days a week and be right as rain.  Ultimately though, I wanted to turn my son into a food snob set a good example for my son.

I mean, even in WalMart where I buy my groceries (see? not a food snob) there were all sorts of belly shirts and meth teeth foods that I didn't even KNOW what to do with. There was really no excuse to not try new things.  So, there have been mangos (annoying), sweet potatoes (good!), and now... kumquats.  Yes.... you heard me... I said kumquats.

Each week, I'd see these cherry tomato sized oranges next to the raspberries and blueberries. I have no idea what a kumquat is.  Hell, it might as well be a snozberry...  But, I threw in a carton with no research beforehand and went on my way in search of more spaghetti sauce and pop tarts.

Kumquats... a fruit with a name only a mother could love

Kumquats are firm to the touch and have an orange peel type peel..... uhhhh...... like an orange peel.  (that description?  NAILED IT)  They smell somewhat citrusy and when cut open, look very similar to a cherry tomato but orange.  Kumquats are basically the bastard child between an orange and a cherry tomato. 

So, when I got home I decided to figure out what I could do with my grape sized bounty and took to the internet to see what recipes I could find.  Turns out?  ONLY FREAKING JAM.  Oh, and pies.  I mean, seriously internet, if I wanted to eat jam and pie I'd just eat a pop tart and be done with it.  So, I took to twitter and a few people said that you could eat them plain.... "peel" and all.  Ok, step one: pop it in!

Yes, actual picture while eating
Kumquats give me a double chin

Oh god, so sour. It tasted like a lime covered in that sour stuff on Sour Patch Kids.  It's been 4 days since I ate it and my mouth is already getting tart just thinking about it.

The orange part is the SUPER sour part. Wait, it's ALL orange.....

So, I guess I figured out why jam and pie are what most people use them for.  LOTS of sugar.  "Well, I can solve this!" I said in a somewhat smug tone... "I'll just throw a dash of sugar on it to see if that balances out the tartness!!"  Well, I tried a "dash" on one......

Mmmm, healthy

It made them somewhat better, but not really.  In all seriousness, if it takes a mountain of sugar to eat the stupid things, I'm really not all that interested.  I figure between the running gels and the skittles, I probably get enough sugar to kill a small horse. So, the kumquats were somewhat of a bust.  Unless someone else has any other good recipes? If nothing else, I guess I could see if they're good in mac and cheese or spaghetti!