Friday, December 28, 2012

Funny Foto Friday: What Drives Runners

I'm sick. AGAIN. Seriously, my body needs to harden up or else I'm going to take it back behind the woodshed and give it a piece of my mind.  This makes the 3rd time in 2 months - each of which weren't a normal cold but were accompanied by fever, massive cough, etc. I'll normally TRY to run through most things, but fevers and coughs are big no nos for running.  So, I haven't ran the last 2 days.  But, last week was 50 miles and this week I'll hopefully get on track starting as soon as I finish this blog post!


Recently, I was nominated for and WON an award hosted by the twitter chat group #RunChat.  I posted about it a few times on twitter, but I can't remember if I asked for votes here.  Anywhoo, long story short, I won for "Funniest Run Blog"!!!  You can check it out here:  This just goes to show, bribery works!

Seriously though, thank you to everyone who voted for me - it means a lot!  I'll try to continue to bring the funny like 72% of the time.  The other times, I'm counting on you to be fully intoxicated to think WHATEVER I write is funny.  Deal?


Finally, today is Friday.  And that means no pants day Funny Foto Friday! A bit of a hodge podge this week - but I finish it up with a pic of my kiddo.  Happy Friday!

Oh yes. I'd say that 50% of my runs are this way. 

A little back story on this next picture - because I've shown it to people and I feel like I'm the only one who thinks it is funny.  Murphy Goode Winery doesn't take themselves very seriously.  In fact, their facebook page has the tagline "Wine like a man".  I can respect that.  Recently, they posted a picture of them "relaxing" in a home made crush bin (the white thing used to store grapes in various forms of wine) by the fire.

Why the one dude is grabbing his junk?  I don't ask.

Finally, whey my dad and sister were in town visiting for Christmas, we took this picture of my sister holding my son at Bass Pro Shop.  The helmet was so heavy he couldn't hold his head up!  Happy Friday!

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Adam's Favorite Things!!

Thanks blog readers! Each day I would check my mail with eager anticipation that you, my loyal blog readers, would have sent me lots of rum laced holiday packages.  But, each and every day I’d come home empty handed and sad panda faced.  But, never fail, ever the giver, I decided that in spite of my lack of rum-balls I’d provide a few valuable tidbits among the normal snark and innuendo. I’m like a blogger Santa....nay... a blogger Oprah!  Because you see.... These... are.... my... FAVORITE THINGS!!!!!!

Adam’s favorite things!!!!!!! (best said with a booming Oprah voice)
This picture will haunt your dreams

By now, I’m sure that you are screaming in some sort of orgasmic anticipation at the thought that I might be pulling an Oprah and giving away all of my worldly possessions (read: a shot glass shaped like boobs and a shirt that says ‘I’m with stupid’ with an arrow pointing down).  Basically, something like this:

If this is what the female orgasm looks like, I’m doing something very wrong....or right?

Unfortunately, I have nothing to give away.  But, what lies within is probably more valuable than that.  These are my honest to goodness recommendations for various “stuff” – free of any unspoken positive review pressure or unspoken head nods of “yeah, give me 30 cans of Viagra and I’ll review your T-Gel”.  While this post might have been nice to get out BEFORE Christmas, I figure that after Christmas is just fine as well.  Turns out, that little commercialized juggernaut comes every SINGLE year – so we’ll just catch it on the next go ‘round.  You might have a few extra shekels rolling around in your pockets just asking to be spent.

Body Glide
What is erotic in name, couldn’t be further from reality. What looks like a little deodorant stick will certainly provide very little pleasure, but will prevent a lot of agony in the long run. (Sort of like a night with me! Heyoo)  I am not sure what it is about my body composition, but I chafe. EVERYWHERE. So, I’ve sort of snowballed into putting this stuff all over the place.  Of course, on my naughty bits, but also under my arms, around my collar and on my feet.  Basically, just enough so that I could squeeze through an air conditioning vent if required. If there is one thing that I HAVE to have while running, it is body glide.  Nobody likes a chub rub.  ALSO, they make it in pink flavor. For when you feel like a man, but chafe like a woman?

Yur Buds
Oh Apple.  What would we do without your renaming of everything.  It’s no longer an online radio show, it’s a “podcast”. It isn’t a tablet computer, it’s an "iPad". And yes, they’re not headphones, they are “ear buds”.  Well, turns out, my ears haven’t sprouted yet because those freaking buds don’t fit worth shit.  This is where the Yur Buds come in.  Yur Buds are rubber gibblets that fit over your normal earbuds to help them contour to your ear better. They are not cheap at $30, but they fit nearly perfectly and never come out.  NEVER.  Plus, they sell them at Best Buy now – win/win.
They have to be good if a bunch of douchy guys doing backflips endorse them!

Food.... ok fine, Nuun
I run to eat.  Period.  Next!

Also Nuun. Not to run with though, because it gets all foamy and makes me burp, but afterwards it is a great alternative to boring water.  Also, it hydrates, has lots of good stuff, and comes in a swanky tube.

Spi Belt
Yes, this is a fanny pack.  Yes, I used to make fun of people who wore them.  Yes, I wear mine now almost all the time – usually putting my phone and keys in it.  My one complaint is that even the waterproof one isn’t “Adam sweat” proof, so I have to put my phone in a ziplock.  I have the water damaged phone to prove it.  It doesn’t bounce TOO much which is the most important thing.

Clean Bottle Phone Carrier
Ironically, the reason I like the clean bottle phone carrier is because it means that I don’t have to carry my Spi belt!  Essentially, it combines the benefits of the Spi belt and the water bottle that I almost always have. 2 in 1.  The double threat.

Virtual Run Coach
Of course, I would be remiss without pimping out my very own coaching app. Or, really ANY plan. But, if you're going to have a plan, why not have it in the palm of your iPhone clenched hand?  Ok, I'll admit that I DO have ulterior motives with this one, but I honestly do believe in the plans that this thing spits out - so why wouldn't I also recommend it!?

Notable absent items?  Shoes. Gels. Booty Shorts. Running clothes.   For each of these, I have brand preferences.... respectively, Brooks, GU, any of them on any runner – including the guys...heyooo, pearl izumi.  But, the fact of the matter is that other than GU, I am not horribly brand loyal to many of these.  In fact, I’ve found that I do best to mix it up to keep from getting into TOO much of a routine.  That way, I don’t turn into one of THOSE guys who can’t run unless he has his XYZ brand shorts with his ABC brand hat and his 123 numbered shoes.  You know those people. Those people are annoying.

I’ll show you mine if you show me yours
So, I asked on twitter what everyone else had on their fav list. Here is what I received!   They’re sort of a mixed bag.  In fact, a lot of these I wouldn’t have even thought to put on my list.   Which, just goes to show, that it is truly different strokes for different folks.

What is on YOUR list?

Bonus because I took the time to make it but then couldn't get it to fit in.... hehe

Friday, December 21, 2012

Funny Foto Friday: End of the World and Holidays

My running is back in full swing with runs of 8, 10 and 6 miles in the books in the last 3 days.  I'm actually battling some pretty extreme tightness in my calf/knee/hamstring which I'm trying to baby as much as humanly possible. (Read: yelling at it, spiting on it, etc) Lots of extra yoga style stretching has occurred (but..uh...much more manly) and even an Alieve on Thursday.

I don't like to take anti inflamatories often, but when I do they really do the trick.  In fact, I joked on Twitter that I felt sort of invincible after taking one.  "I took an Alieve this morn due to a sore knee. I feel sort of invincible right now. I think I'm going to try to punch open the office door."  I really hope that it is all just a blip om the radar.  Time will tell!  I have 26 more miles this week!

This week's funny foto Friday is part end of the world and part end of the Holiday season.  What is better than Mixing centuries old fat guy with centuries old mathematical geniuses.  Makes sense to me!

Ah yes, this explains it 100%
 This picture has been making the rounds, but when it was posted earlier in the week it basically made me pee in my pants a little bit.

I'm not really sure if I survived. I mean, we could have all died and this is heaven.
Although, if that is true, I've been very incorrectly mis informed about heaven

Next, a few holiday funnies.

Finally, we've all seen them - horrible Christmas card photos. Or, God willing, photos where people are TRYING to be funny.  Either way, whenever you turn on the "way back" machine and look at old photos, only one thing can be the outcome - hilarity.  No matter what you celebrate int he next week or so, remember that while you might remember the gidget that you receive, nothing will take the place of loved ones.  Happy Friday!

What? Everyone is just wearing their jammies.  My pic would be no different....

REALLY?  This is the shirt we decided to wear to go see Santa?
Besides, we all know that he is over compensating.

No.  Just...No.

I'm going to hell for thinking that this is the most funny one on this blog post.  So are you.


Finally, while a TOUCH racy, here is a hilarious video that was sent to me by a guy that I coach.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Shiner Beer Run Half Marathon Race Report!

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. --Albert Einstein.  Running is also very relative.  What is fast for me, is someone else’s singing YMCA at the top of their lungs while running pace.  So, you’ll forgive me when I complain about how “slow” my half marathon was....

Time: 1:30:19
Distance: 12.95 miles – Everyone had the course as short, annoying.
Pace: 6:59/mile per garmin, 6:54 per race results
Place: 14 / 796, 4/33 age group

Shiner, TX is a sleepy town of 2,000 or so people that is home to a fairly large brewery of the same name.  Shiner!  They brew a delicious fake bock and enough specialties and seasonal beers to make you take your shirt off and dance on the table singing “it’s raining men” – or so I’m other people who aren’t me.  So, when a few friends who live in Texas mentioned that the brewery was combining two of my favorite things (booty shorts and reruns of Charles in Charge beer and running),  in spite of the hilly course I was all in.

As is usually the case with sleepy towns, Shiner is was far away from....everything.  So, I stayed two hours away in Austin and hung out with a few friends – Steph, Lesley, and Tricia.  It was essentially like an episode of real housewives of Austin, complete with too much drinking and leopard print bikinis.... not really sure what the girls where up to while I was doing all of that.....  Anyway, we had a bit too much great wine and some just as amazing food.  Just like it would say in the church bulletin: Good times and fellowship were had by all.
I was sitting on Santa’s lap kneeling down so you could see his face honest!!!
The sad thing? This was BEFORE wine
Ride ‘em cowboy

THIS is my kind of girl/guy ratio

Ok, this might have been AFTER wine.  Maybe

After a day’s recovery and a solid 5 miler, Sunday morning found me driving 2 hours in POURING rain.  Lightning, thunder, the works.  In fact, I actually tweeted: “I’m so glad I’m driving to a half marathon in the pouring rain....said no one ever”.  I had hoped that the rain would mean that it would cool off a bit and maybe provide a light breeze.  Negative on both counts.  The temps were around 70 and since it was still raining when I first got there, I’m going to assume that the humidity was around a billion percent.

The swag bag was actually really good for a small/mid sized race.  We received a rubber pint glass, a dog tag style bottle opener, a Brooks technical tee, and a sexy hat. (Pictures later) Oh so very sexy.

Sexy and I know it
I need some fly fishing books under my arms or something

But, in spite of the humidity, since I haven’t raced in forever I knew that I had to at least TRY to go after it, so that is what I did.  I ran a quick half mile warm up and lined up at the starting line.

Miles 1-3
The race started with a mix of 5K and half marathon runners, so I really tried to focus in on not going out too fast.  Fortunately, the real fast 10 or so 5K guys bolted out front and left the 10 or so of us half marathoners to plod away.  Unfortunately, in spite of not trying to go out too fast, the first mile or two WERE too fast. Probably 10 or so seconds a mile too fast.  Which, doesn’t seem like a lot, but there were a number of uphills during that time so the effort was even faster.  I was told I was running in 6th place around the 2.5 mile mark.  That “feels” about right, and since I was on pace for a  1:25 at that time, I suppose based on the official results it is.

Miles 4-6
By mile 4, I knew that today wasn't going to be my day.  I was pushing MUCH harder than I should have been for holding just barely goal pace which 1/3 of the way through ANY race is never a good sign. It didn't help that there was a pretty healthy uphill during this period (miles 5-6) that totally sucked the life out of me.  We’d jump 100 ft up and then drop 50 feet – repeat more times that I would like to count.  To add insult to injury, just as I was cresting one hill someone had written on the road  "top of the hill!" - which would have been nice if there wasn't another right after it.

Miles 7-9
Right around the half way point, I packed it in and took a min long breather. (hence the drop in pace during miles 6 and 7.)  The humidity was bad enough that I was soaked and the hills had totally sucked the life out of me.  Of course, as I sit here trying to rationalize a walk break half way through a race, I know that there really isn't a GOOD excuse. I just packed it in.

As promised by the pre-race announcer, there was a dirt road section at mile 7 or 8 for a mile or so that at the same time provided some much needed diversion but also diverted my focus just enough that I couldn't capitalize on the slight downhill.  I didn't lose too much footing because the massive rain had compacted the dirt just enough to provide good enough footing inbetween the golfball sized rocks that littered the course.

One thing that the pre-race announcer didn't mention was all of the extension cords across the road.  I'll bet there were 50 throughout the 13 miles of the race.  I'm convinced that one house in shiner has power and the rest are just plugged in via orange cord.

Miles 10-12.95 (since the stupid race was short)
Oh, I'm going to have a DOOOOZY of a race pic.  WHY WHY WHY do race photographers feel the need to sit at the top of a hill near the end of the race?  Don't they know that while that may provide for the smallest crowds and the best picture, no one wants a picture of them grimacing like death!?

Anyway, these miles sucked. I had totally given up all hope for a good race and was essentially just getting round the course.  Frustrating, but I suppose it happens.  Note the 2 min walk break during mile 11 and the 30 second off pace mile during mile 12.  Yay!

Overall, I’m very disappointed with a 1:30. Even though I walked a full 4 min during the race, it is probably 4-6 min slower than I am capable of running.  Granted, the conditions were NOT ideal, and I didn’t race like I should have, (out a bit too fast, didn’t just pull back on the pace vs walking, re eval my goal as a result of the humidity) but I am not sure that I want to use those as excuses.

The good news is that since it WAS a beer run, there were not one but FOUR free beers waiting for you at the finish.  Also, the race medal doubles as a bottle opener, which should be nice when I celebrate a massive PR at my next half marathon - the NewYearsDouble!

Free beer after a race is almost always worth waiting for

Friday, December 14, 2012

How long is too long?

Recently I was having a conversation with a friend about race medals.  I’m a big race medal whore.  I’ve never made any secret that I’m basically like a cracked out chick in Hollywood doing anything to get the next hit. I’m willing to travel across the country and punish my body for hours on end only to have someone put something shiny and heavy around my neck.  Now that I think about it, most of the time I’m trying not to poop or barf on the person putting the medal around my neck.  Hmmmm, punish my body for hours...don’t barf on someone.....I’m more and more like that Hollywood crack head chick than I thought!

Anyway, we were talking about how long it is appropriate to wear your finisher medal post race.  Should you wear your shiny token of accomplishment for as long as it takes so that all of your friends and family are required/guilted to ask what that Flava-Flav style medallion is around your neck? Essentially, your own marathon of family self promotion “oh!!! I didn’t realize that I still had this on! Let me tell you about my splits from miles 5-9”. Or, should you do an NFL style swim move while the medal-hander-outer is putting it around your neck and never put the thing on?  My friend said that she essentially likes to wear it all day. To lunch....On the flight home....basically as long as she isn’t going to a bar, she has it on until she goes to bed.  I’ve even seen people wear them to work the next day thereby extending the reach of people to talk to about the race.

Looks like Flava Flav ran a spartan race - and LOOK at the size of his medal!
I'll bet he never takes that thing off

So, what do I do?  Welllllllll, I don’t know if I am totally sold for that long. Don’t get me wrong, I wear my medal PROUDLY when I finish the race.  I wear it when I’m walking to my car or the hotel..... But when I strip tease down naked to get into the shower (doesn’t everyone hum some sort of cabaret music when they get naked?) then it goes in my bag and on my SportHooks medal display at home.   While I am certainly proud of EVERY race that I do, and have no problem pretty blatantly bragging about them on my blog, I’m basically a closet runner in real life.  People do eventually find out about my running, but I don’t automatically draw attention to it.

Seriously Ryan Lochte?? Do you have to look so good doing something as stupid as biting a medal??
Although, if I won a gold, I'd never take it off.

Of course, I get wanting to wear it.  I’m not sure I took my first marathon medal off for a week.  So, how long do you wear it for after you finish?

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Beaver, Coaching App, and Photobombs

Busy as a...well...nevermind
It seems like it is the time of year where I can’t go to Walmart to restock my weekly poptart and fruitsnack supply (read: healthfood) without being inundated by hundreds of obese bellyshirt 14 year olds shoppers. The ironic thing is that the toy isle is relatively free and clear, but the hard liquor isle!?  Weee doggies, keep your fingers and toes in the cart at all times and do NOT make eye contact.  The hard liquor isle at WalMart is where hopes and dreams go to die.  These are my people.

It’s the same at work. Everyone is trying to get last minute things locked down before the holidays – when everyone presumably crack open the hard liquor and talks about the crazies at Walmart.  So, I’m doing my best to be a good little solider at work, make sure my son doesn’t hurt himself, and finish all of my Christmas shopping before all of the good flavors of PopTarts are gone.  Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like 800 calories of blueberry!

Race week!
I am finally at a place where I feel like I am no longer “sick”.  I really only cough when the stranger on the corner plays “doctor” and makes me at night, so I am planning on running the Shiner Half Marathon as hard as possible.  That likely means 6:30 pace or a 1:25ish half.  The McMillan running calculator says that I should be able to do it, so who am I to argue?  If I am being honest with myself, I haven’t ran enough “long” miles, but I’m hoping that I can limp through it with minimal bonking.

Trimming the fat
I seem to be having a hard time crafting my long, verbose, drunken monkey blog posts as of late.  I have 4 posts started, but none finished.  GAH!  As a result, I’m going to try to make them a bit shorter and punchier.   All the snark, half the blubber (which is going to be the name of my biography).  I imagine that my blog will eventually morph into a string of sentence fragment zingers making fun of poop, Mario Lopez, and running in equal quantities.

Virtual means it is better
Finally, the BIG announcement is that I have an iPhone app!!!  While I don’t talk about it a TON here, I am a running coach offering personal week by week training plans. At $50/month that isn’t an option for everyone so I wanted to be able to help even more people go from where they are now to the finish line of a half marathon or a marathon.  Welp, I hooked up with a developer friend Chad and put my knowledge to code and came up with this!

From the blurb on the website: The Virtual Run Coach is your personal run coach – in the palm of your hand!  Generate customized half or full marathon training plans from 12 weeks to 32 weeks long, helping you go from the couch to the finish line or from an established runner to a new Personal Best!

You can check it out a million places, specifically iTunes store, website, twitter, facebook.  I’ll do a full post on the development process, but if you are looking for some guidance on a race, have an iphone, and aren’t sure where to go – it is certainly worth $2 to check it out!  Plus, you'll be helping out my poptart fund.  Isn't that reason enough right there?

BONUS!!  I took my son to Bass Pro shop to see Santa (beats the shit out of the mall x 100000) and I'm PRETTY sure that the chick in the stripes photo bombed me!

Friday, December 7, 2012

Funny Foto Friday: Wrong Number

I'm still a runner!!  Yes, that is right - instead of being one of "those people" who start a blog about a topic but then stop doing it shortly there after, I'm running.  Thank God. I was one additional rest day away from going on a GU filled rage on my co workers.  You're supposed to eat 2 GUs every morning if you run or not, right?

All told, not including a 6 mile "test" run last week that about killed me off, I didn't run for NINE days straight.  Streak runner I ain't.

So, since I would normally be in taper mode for a PR attempt half marathon next weekend, I'm having a bit of trouble figuring out my own run schedule.  The net result is that I'm doing a bit of a reverse taper - building UP my mileage the closer my race comes instead of reducing it.  Within the same vein, I can only imagine that next I'll be forcing myself to eat more holiday cookies and will try to listen to even more holiday music than I'm already bombarded with in every single store.  I'll tell you where you can put your fa la la....

I will admit that it feels really really good to get out there and run again.  The 4:25am wake up calls I could do without (getting up at 4:20 makes me feel like a stoner - damn hippies) but the lack of sleep is worth it to do something that I really enjoy.


Two funny foto Fridays this week.  First, an ancient picture in internet terms (read: like a week and a half) but still great none the less.  This guy was actually running the Flying Pig marathon last year, but it recently went viral.  TexRunner was the original photog and caught up with him for a great interview.  Check it out here:

His story is actually a good one - and obviously he has a great sense of humor.  Check it out!

 Oh YEAH!? Well, I'm....uh...hmm....crap. Ok, you rule.

Finally, we've all received random text messages.  The best one I have ever received was a chick telling someone that her husband was out of town and that the recipient should come over.  Scandalous!   Anywhoo, the BEST has to be when it is a slightly erotic picture message... like this.  Anyone else have any good accidental text stories?  Happy Friday!

Actually, anyone who sends me a text gets this as their first response