Honestly, there were a lot of reasons why I was hesitant to schedule the appointment. Frankly, none of them were all that good: I didn’t want to go through the hassle of all of the appointments and I knew that it would cost money better spent on beer. But the real reason? FEAR. Honest to goodness fear. I had lots of worst case scenarios running through my head. In my mind the doctor would tell me things like:
- “If you keep running you’ll die.”
- “Actually scratch that, you’re going to die in 2 weeks.”
- “Just kidding!!! Do you want an oak or a walnut casket? Did your wife get the life insurance beach home brochures I sent?”
But, I went. On Monday I went to the cardiologist to get my heart checked out. Unfortunately, the doctor had emergency surgery that morning was running two hours late. Lovely. No bother though, I spent the morning watching the game show network with the other 80 year olds in the waiting room. I swear, I lowered the average age of the place by half. Eventually I did get to see a nurse, they hooked me up to a 10 electrode EKG (I tried to take a picture, they wouldn’t let me), and I got to speak with a Cardiologist who was as rushed as you’d expect someone to be if they were running 2.5 hours late.
But, as rushed as he was, he still answered all of my questions and reassured me that I probably wasn’t going to drop dead during a hard tempo run. Like I said before, everything essentially checked out fine with my EKG. It showed that my heart was thickened. Bad for someone w/ high blood pressure (heart is working too hard to squirt your 90 p.s.i. blood) but that is normal for an endurance athlete (your heart works hard to kick age group ass). Even though that was all fine and good, he still wanted me to get a sonogram on my heart and wear a heart monitor for 30 days. So, on Friday I was fitted with this little ditty:
Can’t see it? (That's what she said)
Tucked away in my pocket
Probably can see it better now (Also, That's what she said)
The good news is that I have a million little pad dealies that I can swap out every day and I CAN take the machine off during various activities. (Showering, other “activities”, etc) Any time I’m feeling heart palpitations I press a button on the machine, it records my bonkers heart, and then uploads automatically to the mother ship. Conversely, it is always monitoring me so if it feels like I’m dying (literally), it’ll start recording and I’ll be contacted to make sure that I’m OK. Of course, I’m not sure how much help a courtesy call will be if I’m flopping around on the ground.
The bad news is that now that I am all jacked into the Matrix, I’m not sure what is real. Also, an oracle told me I was Jesus. Oh, and I know kung fu. Actually, maybe the matrix isn’t all that bad.......
Of course, I’ll keep everyone posted on the results of any developments. But until then, I’ll just be pretending I’m a robot and cracking Matrix jokes. “Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead only try to realize the truth. There is no spoon.”