Monday, November 14, 2011

Babies are like inmates


Since I'm still getting back up to speed with my running, I thought I'd venture into "dad life" a bit....

In the States, there is a show on the normally financial geared cable network MSNBC called “Lockup”.  During the show they send (what I imagine is a group of film school interns) a film crew to a prison and capture what it is like to be an inmate.  I’m not sure what prison has to do with the stock market, but I don’t ask questions.  **cough** Ponzi Scheme **cough**  As sure as I am addicted to putting energy gel on pancakes, I am addicted to this show. They tell stories of gangs, toilet brewed wine, and shanks.  Lots and lots of shanks.

You see, inmates have 23 hours a day to think of essentially 3 things:

  • If I was to have sex with the dude who wants everyone to call him Jamie instead of James, would my wife find out?
  • I swear to god, when I get out of here, I’m going to kill the guy that ratted me out.
  • How do I convert this toothbrush/mattress/toilet paper tube into a shank and stab “Jamie” for giving me the herps.


As I was watching my son crawl, walk, and stumble his way to chew on my laptop’s power cord (stopped him before he got it. . . . over and over and over again), I thought to myself: Being a baby must be a LOT like being an inmate.  Every single second is spent towards one purpose: trying to devise a way to stick something in your mouth.



When you think about it, babies DO spend essentially every waking moment either eating, pooping, or devising ways to stick stuff into their mouth.  When he’s not being tossed into the air by me, my son is sucking on whatever is close by.  I’ve been told that “babies explore with their mouths” so this is a totally normal thing to have happening.  All that I know is that if my son tries to put the remote control in his mouth one more time while I’m trying to change the channel away from Judge Judy, all hell is going to break loose.



For that matter, the longer I am a father, the more I’m finding that my responsiblities essentiallly fall into four categories: Roof over head, food in belly, try to teach him something, and make sure he doesn’t kill himself.  It is almost like I am a prison warden.  The little guy screams, I tell him to shush.  My wife and I schedule his meals and get frustrated when he doesn’t eat.  We even have a “lights out” time.  I think that I’m going to have to grow a pot belly and have everyone start calling me “Boss Hog”.

But, at the end of the day I love my son and I wouldn’t trade being his “warden” for anything.  That is until he starts brewing wine in the toliet.  Then all deals are off.


24 comments:

Jen said...

He's adorable.

I love this post.

RunningLaur said...

MSNBC is the news-driven NBC channel, CNBC is the financial-driven NBC channel. (FYI)

RunningLaur said...

also, I think he's starting to look more like you :)

XL said...

I would totally vote for you in the Circle of Dads Top Daddy Fitness Bloggers contest :) Where do I click?

My Boring Triathlon Blog said...

ha ha

i remember those days. turn your back for 10 seconds and.....

Nicole said...

I watched Lockup all day after recovering from my Half Marathon this weekend. It was perfect lay around in bed with my legs propped up television.

Jamoosh said...

It looks like that inmate has free reign of the house/cell block.

runnerwannabe said...

He is adorable! Yes, they are lots of fun at this age, and it doesn't get much better. Good luck Warden!

Laura said...

He is so cute and getting so big.
Again, admiration for anyone who is a parent..I would suck at it and know it.

Karen said...

He is too cute! I love that show Lockup. I get sucked in every time. (can't figure out why MSNBC runs it either...) My favorite was one last weekend where this guy's wife came for a conjugal visit. He was cracking all these jokes and she just looked nervous. (they married while he was in prison so this was their first visit). Soooo awkward.

Kathy said...

OMG, you're taking me back in time. LOVE LOVE LOVE the photos! Sweeeeet. :) Good for you for letting him explore. Is there any better toy than a drawer full of stuff? :)

C2Iowa said...

Too funny. Does your mind ever slow down? Just curious. Mine either.

Your son needs a tin cup to bang around!

Jill@Run for the Hills said...

See, that's what he's trying to do - distract you by taking apart the refrigerator and emptying drawers. In his mind, that power cord will be his. He's just biding his time and making you dance.
Who's the inmate now?

He is so cute and the bubbles pics are my fave. :)

WannabeRunner said...

Um, I am so glad someone else appreciates the show Lockup. Love it. Your son is a cutie!

Chicken said...

Love the pictures! This reminds me an awful lot of one of my dogs! Emptying the trash, the drawers, and trying to put the power cord in her mouth. You're on to something!

{lifeasa}RunningMom said...

Love the bubble shots!

You are a great warden! Keep it up....it just gets more interesting with the solitary confinement....or time outs in parental terms.

Jess said...

You left out how the crib closely resembles prison bars!

Cute pics, and in a year, you'll look back on this stage and think his shenanigans were easy.

Kovas Palubinskas said...

Looks like it's time for his first drum set! It's on order, you should have it before xmas. Enjoy!

TriMOEngr said...

Never thought of my parenting as this way, but it is pretty true. Love all the baby shots. Makes me a little misty eyed to think that I am only a "warden" for another 10 years or so. I guess once they go to college that would be like "parole"! Loved Iowa's comment about the tin cup. He'd probably totally love that!

2 Slow 4 Boston said...

My advice would be to get used to him sticking things in his mouth. My daughter is 3.5 yrs. old and is still doing it no matter what I've tried.

You should try putting tabasco sauce on things he likes to put in his mouth, maybe that will cure him quicker :-)

Beth (i run like a girl) said...

Enjoyed this so much I made hubby read it. (I'm working on getting you at least one more reader.) ;)

Marita Abraham said...

What an awesome post. those last two pictures were PRICELESS.

The Banter said...

"babies DO spend essentially every waking moment either eating, pooping, or devising ways to stick stuff into their mouth."

How is this observation any different than the average adult?

Laura said...

Two things:

1. You neglected to mention - why was the television ON Judge Judy to begin with? I ask this not because I judge (when I was unemployed, you know I lived for that 4pm timeslot), but because you seem to be hiding something you feel is shameful.

2. Also on the judgment note - why would you complain if he started brewing wine in the toilet? Just scrub that thing down and be thankful your son is resourceful until he's old enough for you to send him on errands to pick it up from the store for you!