Saturday, April 17, 2010

Virtual Race Report: Last mile Brewing Virtual Halfathon)

Who was it who said that even the longest journey begins with a single step? Confucius? Mark Twain? Fergie? Unfortunately for me, my Jamoosh-a-Paolosa halfathon (actually named Last mile Brewing Virtual Halfathon.....virtual meaning that it is entirely fake) actually started with a hiccup followed by a little bit of barf coming up into my mouth. But, I am getting ahead of myself:

13.1 Miles, 18:15 pace, 3:59:05 total time, 1/1 overall, 1/1 age group

Like most endurance activities, the race didn’t start when I stood on the starting line. No, it started months and months before when I stupidly selflessly decided to sacrifice one of my valuable training days and focus on getting my first half marathon under my belt. I religiously trained thought about the race each and every day. In fact, I thought about the race so much I gave myself a physiological induced stress fracture. They are as severe as they are rare:

So, I spent the majority of the next 3 months putting on a Cheeto layer that only Chester Cheetah (and Nitmos) would be proud of. My motto was “if I exercised any of my non-running muscles, I’ll get imbalanced”. So, I mostly trained my beer drinking muscles:

I figured if I was wearing a race T-Shirt it would basically be like training

Fortunately for Jamoosh, my sports med doc gave me the thumbs up and a pat on the ass to run just 2 days before the scheduled race. I returned the favor with a sexual harassment lawsuit - should have known that he could only get fresh after buying dinner.

When I woke up the morning of race day, I realized that something was wrong. My head was spinning and I felt like I had spent most of the night licking sand paper. (I would later find out that “carbo loading” was generally achieved by consuming pasta and not red wine. I assumed that since grapes were fruit and fruit had carbs that I would be good… lesson learned ) But, I hurried as fast as my wobbly legs would carry me and was out the door and to the starting line.

While I assumed that nothing would make me feel better, I knew that I needed to get something in my stomach. What better than the hair of the dog?

If you want to win, you gotta fuel like a winner. But, I just want to win a little, so I’m fueling with Winner Light. All of the win, half of the gloating.

With the sound of my wife saying “haven’t you left yet?” I was off.

Miles 0-6: These miles seemed to fly by! I was running along at my normal tempo pace of 7:10 / mile with seemingly little effort. It was only when I laughed out loud at the sight of a dog peeing that I realized: I WAS STILL DRUNK. Awesome. Note to self, if I ever want to crank out a 10k in record time, do it loaded.

Miles 6-10: It is funny, it seems that as soon as you realize that you are drunk and you stop hitting on the coat rack, it stops being fun and starts being annoying. Miles 6-10 were annoying. The cars that were driving by seemed to be extra loud, the sun was frying my eyeballs out, and I felt like I might as well be running on my hands.

I really started to feel the dehydration kicking in. I was still sweating, but I was getting tired. Really tired. It was at approximately 10 miles, that I saw the park bench.

Mile 10.1: Whenever I see bag people 'sleeping' in the park, I always wonder what their 'story' could be. I'll have to add "running a virtual half marathon" to the list of possible scenarios. After seeing the park bench I knew what had to happen. Nappy Time. But, not for long - Oh no. Only for 2 hours tops. I told the guy sleeping on the bench next to me to be sure to wake me up before 10am. He, of course, said that he would and continued to talk to the pigeons.

Miles 10.1-13.1: At 10am on the button, the bag guy woke me up. Turns out, homeless people are very punctual. Who knew!? Having captured a few hours of glorious sleep, I tackled the last 3 miles with renewed vigor that only a dedicated wine-o could.

Once I crossed the finish line, I knew that it was over and that I had won. I could nearly taste the sweet taste of victory - or possibly some of that "Winner Light". I could never be sure.

In the words of Michael Scott from the office: "People always talk about triumphs of the human spirit, well today I had a triumph of the human body. That's why everybody was applauding for me at the end: For my guts and my heart. And while I eventually puked my guts out... I never puked my heart out."

Unfortunately, Michael Scott hit the nail on the head - and I finished the day by barfing all over the flowers. My wife, was proud.


Chad said...

the fuck?

gene said...

"Here, Here, well spoken, Bruce."
I hope you don't win. But then, I am biased.....

Jamoosh said...


Running Through Phoenix said...

I second Chad's sentiment. Great race report!!

Pam F. said...

Shit! I forgot all about this! Oh well... I don't have the imagination to top this anyway. I hereby withdraw my entry to the Halfathon.

Hilarious race report! LOVE the videos.

inspiREDtorun13 said...

Congrats.! I read this and asked myself "Why the Hell am I not following Jamoosh's blog?"

This is a half I could actually "run" right now had I known about it. Anyway, loved The Office stuff you included.

That episode of The Office with the "Michael Scott's Dunder Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial Celebrity Rabies Awareness Pro-Am Fun Run Race For The Cure" is in my top five of all time.

Her Name is Rio said...

Nice virtual race report! Love the video footage.

Julie said...

Hi Adam,
Crap and double crap...this is what I flipping have to compete with for a t-shirt!?! God, I hate you:) Just kidding...just jealous I didn't think of anything as good as you! I havn't even started yet! Love the video:)

You did good kid...I think it's worth a t-shirt:)

Glenn Jones said...

Man. I ran this ace and all I got was a lousy t-shirt!

Hilarious Adam!!!!

Als FYI - "Alcohol (as in Red Wine) contains almost twice the calories of carbs or protein, so in theory, it's not good for weight control." (, so you should be drinking wine *during* the race, not before!

Morgan said...

OMG that was HILARIOUS!!!!!!!! Best "race" recap EVER!!!!!!!!!!

Adam Culp (Crazy Floridian) said...

Great job.