Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Husband Manual 101: Chapter 5 – You look just like

Helping men navigate the mousetrap that is the female brain since 2008!
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4

It seems like a good idea at the time. Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie is hot, or that Julia Roberts is cute, right? So, you think that you’ll earn some much needed brownie points the next time that you are forced to watch Access Hollywood by saying something like this:

You (to wife): “Did you see Julia Roberts in that low cut dress? She looked good. Have I ever told you that you look a little bit like her?”
Wife (confused): “What? Are you serious?”
You (starting to back peddle): “Well, I was just thinking that you both have a nice smile and are pretty fit”
Wife (annoyed): “You seriously think I look like her? She is soooo ugly, it is like her mouth goes from one ear to the other! How many teeth does she have anyway? 300?”
You: “I… Well….. never mind. Can’t we watch football or something else?”

This all could have been avoided had the husband known to never associate the women in his life with other women, ever. I don’t care if she has huge full lips and long dark hair like the octo-mom and Angelina Jolie both do, you do NOT tell her that she looks like either. Women receive an onslaught of conflicting information each and every day about what looks are in, out, or soooo last season. As a result, you can never be sure if the celebrity you are comparing your dearest to was recently on the best dressed list or if she recently wore some sort of “swan dress” Bjork style.

Whenever possible, try to keep compliments very abstract and confusing. That is, comparing her eyes to the stars, her smile to the sun, or her hair to silk – the more confusing the better. Be creative! For example, try mixing bizarre accent pieces with your favorite animals: “Wow! Your earrings are like eagles for your head!” She’ll be so surprised that you recognized her new purchase that you won’t even have to explain yourself!

Thanks Nick for the inspiration on this one! It has been a long time since my last post in this series, I hope that all of the guys out there haven’t stuck BOTH feet in their mouths during the interim. Lord knows I have.


Katie said...

Oh gosh, too funny! Although I think a little comparison is flattering, especially if the guy knows you think someone is pretty. Like when my hubby says I remind him of Liv Tyler, his brownie points go thru the roof. Now, comparing to famous people is one thing. I would totally advise against comparisons to people in real life, like the hot brunette at the bar last night or a beautiful woman he works with. Now that will land someone in a little hot water! :-)

Kelly said...

Ha! LOVE it. Comparing to celebrities is tough... because there is "guy hot" and "girl hot". Like how I don't see Angelina Jolie as hot... my brian just can't comprehend that. So yes... I would be creeped out and insulted if I was compared to her (although, come on... not even close).

Ulyana said...

This is too hilarious and spot on.

"Your best friend is dumb" in an old chapter.... How do you know? When I talk about my problems to my husband, I go "my best friend said this," and he goes "well, your best friend is dumb," and then I go "WHAT? Don't say that..blah, blah, blah". Such a great way to steer your mind away from the problem... cause it really is not about solving it.

Oh, and when he goes "you look like XXX celebrity", I go "yeah, well, I hope you marry her when you meet her." Jokingly, of course, but still, I don't go "aaaaaawwww, thaaaaank you." But when girls would tell me the same thing, an "aaaaaaw, thaaaank you" would definitely follow.

It's hard to be a husband.

This might be an akward subject, but I'll go and put it out there, but you'll have to write about PMS one day. Because those are the times when a woman is truly crazy, and logic no longer reins... Or some effed up version of logic reins. A guy will not know what happened to him... and he would probably want to downgrade that 1/3 winning rule to 1/0... can't devide by zero? to a pmsing lady.

Adam said...

Ulyana - you are right, it IS hard to be a husband!! :)

AND, I think that there just MIGHT have to be a future chapter on the hormonies. Although, I may make 1/2 of my readership angry :)

Michelle said...

HAHA hormonies!!! You guy are funny! I think perhaps you should leave the hormonies to the woman bloggers!!??

Adam said...

Michelle, you may just be right. I'm oozing with wisdom, so I'm sure that I won't lack for things to say on other stuff! :-P

sRod said...

That is great advice. I'll use it on Wifey--let you know how it goes over.

OhMyLaughter said...

Wow! I love this. Thanks for posting about it on our blog. Very funny.