Since it is Valentines day and I, much like every other married man who is going out tonight, am waiting for my wife to get ready. I thought that I would post some funny observations from ruminations.com. I've been saving these for a while, but the first one seems to be especially appropriate for Valentines day. :)
If a new girl wants you to wear a condom, it's probably safe to talk her out of it. If she doesn't care whether or not you wear one, you should probably wear two.
So last night for dinner I chopped jalapeños, as I finished chopping I brought them over to the table and then went to use the restroom. About two minutes later my crotch felt like it was on fire; I got jalapeño juice on my boys! Suddenly I was in immense pain keeling over like a 10 year old boy kicked in the nuts. After many failed attempts at making the burning stop, the only thing that did work was the same thing that works when your mouth is on fire... Milk. So I dunked em like an Oreo and the pain went away.
Even though I know it's physically impossible, every time I work out, I look in the mirror and think "Yep, definitely skinnier."
I hate it when I have run in to Target to pick up a few things and I happen to be wearing a red shirt and khakis.
My 4 year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
I've always kind of wondered what my dog is thinking when I play fetch with him. I bet it's something like "Son of a bitch, what the fuck are you doing? I just brought you that.".
For the most part, I can handle being a grown up. But how perfect would life be if we could still fake sleep in order to be carried from the car to bed late at night?